This Is Technically A Blog Post About Hell's Kitchen

Hello everybody!

You ready to hear more about Hell’s Kitchen?

Well too bad!

Yeah, the second episode of Hell’s Kitchen had even less to talk about than the first episode. 

So, what I have decided to do is give them the appropriate amount of respect. What I mean is that they gave me essentially nothing to talk about, so in this blog post, I’m barely going to even talk about the episode. I’m going to go on so many tangents, and make so many references that none of you will understand, because that’s exactly what the show deserves at this point.

So, last week, the show ended on a cliffhanger that made you think that OH NO! Chef Ramsay is going to eliminate two chefs before the competition even begins! I mean, the only way you could ever think he would eliminate anyone this early is if you have never seen the show before. 

Once they picked up from where they left off, it could not have been more anticlimactic. All Chef Ramsay did was give them the menus to study early. It wasn’t even the lead-in for a challenge. He just decided to traumatize two innocent chefs only to just give them a thing that they would only need if they were going to stay in the competition.

And let me tell you something right now, they focused on the menu in this episode way too much. I’m not even joking, this is what pretty much the entire first half of the episode was. The Blue Team studying the menu as a group like they were studying for a test, the Sous Chefs demonstrating how to make the various dishes on the menu, and Chef Ramsay having the challenge to win the Punishment Pass be a three part challenge that consisted of making three dishes on the menu, and only a certain number of chefs on each team moved on at the end of each round. I assure you, it was way less exciting than it sounds. It went on for so long, that I was fully expecting another cliffhanger at the end of the episode, or that we would not even see Dinner Service.

I’m not even joking when I say that it was easily one of the most uninteresting things I have ever watched. In fact, if I could, I would rather watch a show that was nothing but old TV and movie stars who probably starred in like one show or one movie, and the show itself would be them driving cars along Historic Route 66, taking part in challenges where the point system is determined with playing cards, and nobody ever gets eliminated, having conversations with whoever they are driving with at that time, talking about the people in the other cars, making detours to random places along Route 66, and the only things that will ever change are who is in which car, and to ensure that this show actually gets made, I would put it on a network that is beyond life support like The CW, and I would give it the most generic name imaginable like The Great American Road Rally: Celebrity Edition. Unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of power to pitch a show to the networks, and no such show like the one I just described in hyper specific detail exists, so I guess I’m stuck with a bunch of menu garbage on Hell’s Kitchen. 

Also, at one point, one or more (I don’t remember how many, and I’m not going to force myself to watch it again) members of The Blue Team called Mike “Gronk,” and right after they said that, they showed a clear shot of Mike’s face, and I immediately noticed that I needed a haircut. I mean, I didn’t act on it in the moment, but it was the only thing I noticed at that point in time.

Shortly after that, Mya won The Punishment Pass for The Red Team, and Mike won The Punishment Pass for The Blue Team.

Shortly before Dinner Service, there was a scene of Diego getting emotional because of how much he missed his girlfriend. At that point in time, I immediately called that this moment was an omen, and it would lead to Diego not lasting in the competition beyond this episode. But much to my surprise, that didn’t happen, so this moment led to absolutely nothing. So why did they even include it? Because if you want something in an episode to be an omen, you need to pay it off by the end of the episode. If there is any sort of payoff in a later episode, then it’s no longer an omen. It’s just us finally getting to the episode when he gets eliminated. So, if they really wanted to present us with an actual omen in this episode, Diego would have been gone either during Dinner Service or by the end of the episode. I have never seen more questionable decisions about how to make good television since the voting public decided that a man who lay on the floor for a number of seconds and pretended to sign autographs meant that he was a great dancer who deserved to stay in a dance competition. 

During Dinner Service, a bunch more bad stuff happened. In the case of The Blue Team, all they did was mix up orders and bring up a Beef Wellington for an order that didn’t have one. Despite that, they actually managed to have a good Dinner Service.

The Red Team, however, had a terrible Dinner Service, and blame falls exactly on two chefs: Jeyda and Reni. 

Oh, but before I get into that, I just suddenly remembered that there were two VIP guests at Dinner Service. They were Olivia Longott and Tommy G. If you’re curious who they are, Olivia Longott is the leader of the band Olivia Longott & The 8 Balls, and Tommy G is a comedian who got his start on The Colgate Comedy Hour. There is a very good chance that I am not telling the truth here, but be honest: Does it really matter? 

Yeah, so back to the catastrophe that was happening on The Red Team. First, Jeyda sent up the Garnish for the Salmon Entree before any Appetizers had been sent, which, slow down there Speedy McGee. Then, she found herself doing the most challenging thing imaginable on the planet: Separating an Egg Yolk from the Egg White. Yes, a professional chef was having trouble doing something that I think anybody who is not a professional chef can do. I mean, seriously Jeyda, you’re not preparing for the SATs, you’re not performing brain surgery, and you’re not even learning How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. You’re doing the bare minimum in the cooking of a dish that literally requires no cooking whatsoever. 

Then, Reni started having even more trouble. All the Entrees for one table were ready to go, but she needed five minutes on her Salmon, which obviously annoyed Gordo, as everything else was ready to go and cooked perfectly, so he sent all the other Entrees, while the one person who ordered Salmon had to wait for their dish. Long story short, she tried cooking the Salmon several more times, and it kept coming out raw. Seriously, Reni was struggling like two former members of the British Special Forces trying to remember the names of popular songs. That’s a popular expression that people use.

In the end, Chef Ramsay eliminated Reni for not knowing how to get Salmon to an acceptable temperature for eating, and ended up saving Jeyda, though he certainly views her as a Muppet now. I am not talking about those annoying puppets that everyone either loves or has no opinion towards, I am in fact referring to an acronym, which is Most Useless Pathetic Person Ever Trained. 

Overall, this was certainly a blog post! I mean, I put words on a page and have included them all in a post on my blog. I would have talked more about the episode of Hell’s Kitchen, but they gave me nothing to talk about, so I decided to return the favor and basically share nothing about it. I hope that you all enjoyed this incredibly all over the place post, and I’ll see you all next week with a blog post that will either be more organized, or just like this one!