Here's Another Hell's Kitchen Blog Post, But This One Is Sort Of About Episode 4 Of Season 25

Yes, that's a Masked Singer picture for a blog post about Hell's Kitchen. If the show isn't going to put any effort into itself, then I see no reason to respect it in any way.

Why am I writing about this? I could be writing about anything else in the world. I could be talking about shows on The Food Network. I could be talking about a really great movie that I just saw. I could also be talking about what is in store for us this year at The Stamford Downtown Parade Spectacular. 

But no, because I don’t know how to write about two of these things in the way that I would authentically want to, and since we don’t have all the information for this year’s parade yet, here I am writing about another episode of Hell’s Kitchen Season 25.

After a recap of the previous episode that only lasted 1 minute and 32 seconds, but really felt like it lasted 132 minutes, it was time to actually start this episode. Like always, the episode started where the previous one left off, with The Blue Team recovering from just losing one member of the team, and two other members having just been spared from elimination. 

The next morning, it was time for the next challenge, which also meant that it was time for some useless shenanigans courtesy of The Ruler Of This Land, King Ramsay. What I mean is that when the chefs entered the kitchen, there was a banner behind him that said “HKU.” I think you can probably all guess what that stands for. He then asked all the chefs about the culinary schools that they went to, and then for reasons that only make sense to him, he brought in a marching band and cheerleaders to help demonstrate school spirit. 

Now, you’re probably thinking that these random marching band members and cheerleaders were probably there for the challenge in some way. Well, they were not. At all. They were just there for The Gordfather to show how much power he has over the general public, and how he can get anybody to do as he says, and appear on any of his shows. 

The real challenge had to do with Beer Pong. Yeah, there was a bunch of giant red solo cups behind Gordo, and they all said the names of different types of Alcohol. Okay, that is such a stretch between school spirit and cooking with spirits that whoever came up with this setup for the challenge is currently laying in their bed from having pulled every muscle in their body. 

Even more bizarre: The marching band members and cheerleaders just straight up disappeared at this time. We didn’t even see them leave. It was like there were magicians in the kitchen, or Thanos was up to his old tricks again. 

For how the challenge would work, a chef on one team would choose a chef from the other team they wanted to go up against, and then that chef would select the protein they would be cooking, and then shoot the ball with the protein into one of the red solo cups. Yeah, so yet again, Mr Ramsay is making a spectacle out of trying to gather ingredients. Seriously, this feels less like a cooking show, and more like some terrible game show where the contestants have to do things that will either hurt them or get them very dirty, and only lasts one season as a result, without a single announcement that the show has been cancelled. 

Yeah, so the chefs played Giant Beer Pong to determine what alcohol they would pair their proteins with, and frankly, the most memorable thing about it is that Sandra failed to get the ball in the Sherry cup twice, and then it ended up landing in the Bourbon cup. I assure you, it’s as boring as it sounds. I mean seriously, I could spend the rest of this blog post just explaining the rules of the card game Euchre in excruciating detail, and it would still be more interesting than this. 

I would get into what happened during the cook time, but frankly, it’s just a lot of nothing. The only three memorable things that happened at this time were Nadia trying to make fresh Pasta in a very limited time, Jonny G being told by Mike that his Steak was still undercooked, and Mike burning his Sauce with just eight minutes to go. I will give you a million points if you remember who any of these three people are. 

For this challenge, Gordo didn’t feel the need to bring in any help to determine whether or not a dish was Shallow & Pedantic, and he judged the dishes by himself. 

Honestly, this show is only barely better than a show about celebrities driving cars on Route 66 and stopping at various places along the way and competing in challenges that is more about charities than literally any of the things I just said, but unfortunately, that show doesn’t exist, so this show is just absolute torture. 

In the Chicken & Vodka round, both Nadia and Gabe scored a point with their dishes. But because Emperor Ramsay Of The Kitchen At Foxwoods doesn’t like to do anything like a normal human being, he didn’t announce that they had scored at the same time. Instead, he did his trademark “Give the point to one contestant first, pause for more seconds than necessary, which should be enough to traumatize the other contestant, then tell them that they also got a point.”

Up next was the Sake & Prawns round, and only Kylie scored a point, much to the disappointment of Aiden, who said in an interview that he did not agree with Gordy, as he truly felt that his dish was better, and side by side, might have had more flavor. Okay, where is this coming from? First of all, if The Emperor Of All Cooking tells you that your Noodles are mush, then that means that your Noodles are mush. Even if they aren’t mush, Mr Ramsay has set up a caste system where everything he says is correct, and you need to agree with him or suffer the consequences. Second of all, seriously, where is this coming from?! You were not this arrogant in the previous three episodes! I have never had a more aggressive view shift of somebody on a Reality Show that consists of an Old British Man Yelling At People He Outranks In Society since Oliver Hudson.

Up next was the New York Strip and Stout round, but since Joy’s Potatoes were grainy, only Dylan scored a point. 

By the way, if you are disappointed that I am not going in depth about any of the dishes, or even including pictures of them, blame the fact that it’s not a better show. 

Up next was the Lamb and Sherry round, and both Valentin and Mya scored points, but with no traumatizing pause to announce so. Does Gordo just like to pick and choose who he traumatizes? Does he favor some contestants more than others? Why Am I asking these questions?

Up next was the Duck Breast and Whiskey round, and both Miles and Haley scored points, but Chef Ramsay chose this point in time to traumatize Haley and make it seem like she didn’t score, and she was so traumatized that she had to be censored. 

Up next was the Cod and Tequila round, and both Jeyda The Muppet and Miguel scored points. 

Up next was the Pork Chop and Bourbon round, and both Sandra and Mike scored points, even with Mike literally burning his Sauce with eight minutes to go. 

This meant that the score was tied going into the final round, and it was all down to the last two contestants, and if you knew how many times it was all down to the final round, you would think that this stuff was rigged. And frankly, it might be. Or not. I don’t know.

So, the final round was the Hanger Steak and Rum round, and Georgiana ended up winning the challenge for The Red Team, as Jonny G had undercooked his Steak. I mean, don’t you just hate when that happens? It’s like when you think you have rescued all the hostages in a simulation of a hostage situation, but then an old British guy who outranks you in society in every way possible shows you one hostage that you didn’t rescue, and even though he is still standing there, you are told that he is now just a bit of an ear and a finger. This is a popular expression that people use by the way, and I am also probably lying about that, and maybe this is something I saw on another television show. 

Also, considering they literally showed Mike telling Jonny G that his Hanger Steak was undercooked, I can now confidently say to Hell’s Kitchen that this is how you omen. 

Okay, so now that The Red Team had won the challenge, their overnight reward was that they were going to Water’s Edge Resort & Spa, which is located in Westbrook, Connecticut for those of you who are curious. Also, for whatever reason, Gordy described it as “White Sand As Far As The Eye Can See.” I have no idea why that was even necessary. 

For The Blue Team’s punishment, there was over 200 pounds of Shrimp that needed to be deveined before the next night’s Dinner Service. Okay, I’m just going to say this right now. Why are we trying to get AI to take over the jobs of talented individuals? We should really be trying to get it to do this manual labor that the chefs on Hell’s Kitchen are forced to do for the crime of losing a simple cooking challenge. 

Mike was now presented with the opportunity to use his Punishment Pass, but he chose not to, which is smart, because the punishments will absolutely get worse as the season goes on. 

I would get into what the reward for The Red Team was like, but it was literally nothing. I would literally rather watch a former radio host and actor turned comedian and podcast host dress up as an Avocado and give a terrible performance of the beloved Carly Simon song You’re So Vain. Unfortunately, this has never happened before, and I don’t think there is anybody out there twisted enough to make this hypothetical scenario a reality.

Okay, I’m actually going to go into detail for this next moment during The Blue Team’s punishment, because it completely caught me off guard. This scene just completely broke me, both because of what was being said, and all the implications.

Miguel started talking about how he was getting married, and how 350 people were invited to the wedding. His teammates were surprised by this large number of guests, and they asked him where his wedding was going to happen, to which he said that it was happening at…. A Plantation Home. Yes, you read that right. That is actually where he was going to have his wedding. He then said that it was “what they described it as.” 

I’m just going to say this right now, there are so many things wrong with this that I don’t even know where to possibly begin, or even if I should begin. His teammates were clearly weirded out by this, and they asked him what it was like there, to which Miguel responded that it was a two-story white house, and there are honestly a million ways he could have described it, and he chose the literal actual worst one. I don’t know what I’m more horrified by: The fact that he is getting married there, the fact that he told his teammates about this like it wasn’t anything problematic, or the fact that they included this in the episode. 

From there, it was time for Dinner Service, and honestly, do I even need to talk about it? Both teams screwed up in several ways, The Red Team screwed up more than The Blue Team, and they got kicked out and had to nominate two chefs for elimination. There you go. I have just summarized every Dinner Service for you. And not only that, but once The Red Team got kicked out of the kitchen, yet again, we stopped watching the rest of Service, and didn’t even see The Blue Team finish, instead watching them return to the dorms after The Red Team decided who to nominate for elimination. I mean seriously, do the editors and other people working on this show care as little about it as I do? I’m being completely honest right now, I would literally rather do a moment by moment analysis of Gumby The Movie, the most boring and insane movie I have ever seen. Now for those of you who don’t know who Gumby is, which is absolutely every one of you, he’s this green thing made out of clay who does stuff, and for those of you who are unfamiliar with Gumby The Movie, KEEP IT THAT WAY FOREVER.

Okay, so from there The Red Team nominated Jeyda and Mya, but Emperor Ramsay immediately knew that one of these nominees did not belong up there, so he sent Mya back in line, and brought Haley forward. Despite the fact that he used his powers of being the one in charge to overrule their decision, The Gordfather chose to eliminate Jeyda after four episodes of complete Muppetry. 

Yeah, so this was certainly an episode of Hell’s Kitchen. I hope you all enjoyed the words that I have written here, and I will see you all soon with even more words!